I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
