my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
