I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
