i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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