You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
