can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
