I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?