I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
