So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
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I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
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I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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