He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
