I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
why is half of my head shaved?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
