My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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