That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
