in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
