why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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