I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
