mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize