I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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