I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
