I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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