mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
