I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
