I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
