But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
