He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
