I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...