I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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