I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
