I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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