You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
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She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
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The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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