My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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