I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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