I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
