I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
