If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
