I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
