I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
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I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
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But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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