I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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