: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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