i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
