would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
