Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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