dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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