that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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