Me too!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
