I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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