this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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