My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
