allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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