I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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