woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
