this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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