The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
