I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
