I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
