hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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